No one wants to have super deep conversations in their relationship. They’re annoying and awkward. They kind of feel like a fight even though you’re not technically fighting. They’re also uncomfortable because they remind you too much of parental lectures from your childhood.
But having these super deep convos is actually helpful because they can lead to breakthroughs in the relationship and better communication. They allow you and your s/o to better understand each other. They allow you to discuss things in a way that helps you learn and grow in your relationship as well as individuals. But how do you have an effective deep convo without it turning into a fight?
Listen before you speak. When an issue comes up, we tend to just allow our thoughts to spill out without processing how we fell or listening to how our partner feels. But a real deep conversation should be each person taking turns listening to each other. Instead of spending your time prepping your next comment and trying to remember your rebuttal, try actually listening for a change.
Seek first to understand. Stephen Covey’s fifth habit of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. Too often we just want to get our point across, but in a relationship, you should try to understand your partner’s feelings and think about where they’re coming from as well.
Focus on the goal. What’s the solution? What’s the end goal? Because it can’t possibly be just to start an argument. You are both obviously passionate about whatever the issue is, so instead of just arguing for argument’s sake, try finding a solution to the problem. Find a way to work together towards a common goal.
While having super deep convos may never become your idea of fun, eventually, you’ll realize just how healthy it is for you and your s/o to trust each other enough to open up to one another. This level of intimacy will only strengthen your bond each time you have that difficult, awkward, yet necessary conversation.